The Crushing Weight of Unavoidable Love

It is almost a catastrophe when an idea bites you so hard, that there is no relief from it but to see it executed. It could also be true about the deep bonds that we forge with certain individuals. Not that we wish to see them executed, but the relentless prayer to see the relationship succeed. In a sense, we as individuals, come under the crushing weight of unavoidable love.

We are smitten. We are driven crazy. We are rendered sleepless.

We might never know why some persons, places or ideas have an irresistible pull over us.
And therein lies our greatest hint from the Universe, to go chase it.
Chase that smile, dream or scent like it was the last bus home, like it was the last drop of elixir in our transient existence.
(Photo: school boys in Kashipur, Rayagada, Odisha. I still cannot forget their smiles or mischief. Their all-embracing innocence still draws me back to their tribe.)

It is very much our own doing. No idea or person comes in our lives out of the blue. This is no Secret, this is no Cosmic Law. It is purely the logic that we attract only what we harbour. Hence, the whole affair becomes unavoidable. If one was to eat, sleep and dream of music all day long, it is impossible that one is possessed by any other idea but music. Notes float around the environs, rhythms beckon everywhere and a lyrical beauty emerges from all things in the universe. And all this is simply because music has become the very breath and soul of the person. It is quite true then, that most of lyricists end up penning melodies on the back of a matchbox or composers put together symphonies suddenly in the middle of the night. It is the crushing weight of unavoidable love.

We have carried it with us for so long. We will do anything to shed that load; which will remain a ceaseless attempt. We will yet continue to carry the weight with us.

Consider a researcher, who is at their job, day in and day out focused only on one single experiment/ hypothesis/ thesis. Several shots at the paper, multiple takes on the analysis, mild variations in the results and the researcher has to start from scratch again. Yet, if motivated enough, the researcher does it. Once, twice, ten times, a hundred times over. It is all worth the time and effort to this researcher, for they have been living under this crushing weight of unavoidable love.

We tend to get exhausted. We might succumb under the weight. Yet, is there anything nobler than pursuing that love single-mindedly and whole-heartedly?

If I were to wake up one morning and feel that this weight has been lifted off my shoulders, unasked and unannounced, I would be bereft of a need to carry on with my living. At least until I find another love, another goal, another pursuit, another relationship that can keep me alive and awake. In a way that these passions are overwhelming and deprive you of any other engagement, they are also redeeming. The security of every evening bringing more questions and the fire to chase their answers every morning, is inevitable. Even as it seems that we are anchored by these passions, we are also beautifully meandering on our own life's landscape. It is beautiful to float under the crushing weight of this unavoidable love.

We open our arms to embrace this love. We are ourselves bound tight by this love. We end up being nothing but this crushing, unavoidable love.

I find myself torn and tired trying to answer benumbing questions about life, career and relationships. I am sure many workday afternoons and lazy Sunday mornings have gone in just mulling about the vagaries of life. That is if they were not subsumed like the fuel in an all raging fire of whatever love it be. The least of objects, experiences and thoughts can trigger profound inquiries. One thought chases another, and soon the head and the heart are huffing and puffing to keep themselves relevant under this crushing weight of unavoidable love.

Every sunset, every bird call, every hoot of the train, every blink of the traffic signal seems like some cryptic code to understand what weighs upon us. It pushes me to wonder why I wake up everyday and what is it that I am following?
What is it that I am building? What is it that I am battling? What is it that I am nurturing?
The weight is unmistakable, and it only grows with time.
(Photo: sunset at Khori, Rewari, Haryana. Home for six months in the past. A part of me still lingers by those wheat fields and under that orange sky.)

I have just begun to realise what has befallen over me; the growing consequences of what I have steadily nurtured throughout my formative years. I hope that I have the energy and courage to put up with this weight. More courage than energy, for the will to survive automatically follows conviction. I pray that this beautiful confusion, your own, besots your living daylights too! There is no escape. There is only one way to handle the crushing weight unavoidable love- deal with it.